we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
