She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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