I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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