i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
