I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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