Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
