why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
