remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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