I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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