her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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