My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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