He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
