I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
