I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
and you fell through a lawn chair
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
