Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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