just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
