Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
