I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
