Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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