nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
