fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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