the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
