at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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