I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
