I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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