Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
