I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
