Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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