Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
