Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
