and i looked up. we had an audience...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
