I hate your face
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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