have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
