and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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