I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
