I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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