Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
