He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
