How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
