I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's always time for handjobs
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
