I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
