I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i love accidental penises.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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