One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
