I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I touched a dick in church today
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
