I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It was like getting head from an anaconda
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
