At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
