I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
