can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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