I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
