too bad you live with your parents still
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
