I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
